Dear you,
It’s been a minute since I’ve blogged.
I was watching an interview with extremely successful writer Seth Godin, who said he recommends a blog for everyone, because it makes you think of intelligent things to discuss.
Well, I flatter myself perhaps, but I’m often already thinking about things that would be of note, of debate, of oddity.
Then today I was listening to the School of Self-Image Podcast, where Tonya Leigh was encouraging us to re-think, even re-write our stories. From the perspective of a future version of ourselves who is living the life of our dreams & is wildly successful.
So I thought I’d write that story for you. Not to sugar-coat or deny or make up things about it. But to write in myself as the heroine. From the perspective of myself now, looking back after years of reclaiming my Self.
I’ve started to feel spreading from my bones outward, a sense that the difficulties I experienced were the fire forging me into the shape I was meant to be.
I grew up in Suburbia. A pleasant, upper-middle-class subdivision in the 90’s. From the outside, and in the tangible ways, our life was charmed. But despite having all my basic needs met, I suffered from not feeling loved.
Was I loved? Absolutely. My parents showed their devotion in the best ways they could. They were dealing with the hands they were dealt by their parents, and I can see now that that my Irish lineage was dealing with the after-shocks of colonial oppression by the British.
Despite living in a big house with abundant food, toys, vacation, and an onslaught of extra-curricular activities, the emotion of love was lacking in and around me.
Aside from my dog, who was my constant companion and cheerer-upper. And there were dozens of other pets I took care of with varying degrees of success. I believe this helped shape me into the animal-lover I am, especially to the wildlife around me.
I was one of those people who didn’t remember much of childhood but thought it was peachy. Now I understand I suffered from emotional abuse and neglect. I remember a lot of tense silence punctuated by explosive arguments.
Throughout my childhood I also watched my neighborhood slowly eat the adjacent farmlands and groves of trees, though we had a vacant lot-turned-private-park next door we could play endless hours in.
I have heard how not having a good connection with your mother can lead one to seek solace in the arm’s of Mother Nature. That I surely did. I believe that was by design, so that I could be a cultural leader in this time of mass extinction. I feel that nature is my family, my blood, worth saving and making sacrifices for.
I think my negative experience of ‘90’s consumer culture taught me that money is just a number, not something that can ever make you happy, fulfilled, or loved. And despite having good income, we had a lot of financial worry starting in my tweens.
I feel lucky, really, that I already know that orienting your life around money can just leave you feeling empty.
On top of that stress, my parents divorced when I was 13 and proceeded to hate each other. That’s when the shell of a perfect life cracked and fell to pieces.
I think that’s why I instinctually started to orient my life around music as an adult. In college, I noticed it could give me a feeling of home, of comfort when I was sick or sad. Music was there for me in a way no human was. As I started to perform, it gave me a rush of joy and bliss I’d never felt before. Truly like a drug, I became addicted to the cocktail of adrenaline, Flow state, and inevitable compliments after the show. How I lived for those sweet words of affirmation, missing from my youth.
In my 20’s, I began to have success as a musician, but I also struggled with an undiagnosed sleep disorder, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, malnutrition due to veganism, food intolerances, and gut infection. (All of these things are connected.) I felt the corporate oppression of my country so acutely. In “chasing my dreams” around the globe, I was so disconnected from myself, the earth, and my community.
Looking back on this now, I’m starting to actually feel lucky, like the hand of my Creator was guiding everything in order to make me the person I am (becoming).
BECAUSE of the challenges I faced, I am uniquely poised to do what only I can do - be me and shine my light.
I am an example to everyone who had a rough start, who wasn’t shown how to manage their emotions or be a loving person, and show them that at any point you can begin to reclaim the true you, your purpose, your wholeness. Who you would have been without life’s negative programming— that is your birthright.
And I also want to show how creativity can be a part of that healing, and also how healing can amplify your creativity. I used to be so blocked and resistant when it came to creating the music I knew I was capable of.
I felt like a trickling spring with an ocean underneath. I just needed to access my full depths.
Each of us are creative faucets, and it’s so possible to turn that faucet on full force and unleash your potential.
The consumeristic vision of a musician, which has honestly not really been updated since the ‘90’s, is a toxic one. It relies on physical beauty, scarcity of distribution, a$$-kissing of mostly male executives, relying on the bro-hood of the music industry, commodifying songs…
I want to show the alternative route that is already being blazed- the song of a thousand musicians each with a tribe of thousands, leading their own small movements and shifts in culture.
For me, that revolution is to de-sanctify society’s wholesale worship of profits over earth and her peoples. And I can see that fire was kindled in my hurt child heart.
Ultimately I want to create a tribe where people can come to get the sense of love they might be missing. The sense of playful magic that every (inner) child craves. The sense of fun and celebration that redeems all the struggles we face day-to-day. Whether it’s through the Spirit I sometimes I feel coming through my body when I sing, or through me just being a true, caring friend to the sweet folks who resonate with my heart-songs.
Okay, this story is obvious a work in progress, and is still being written.
But I want to be transparent with you, because as someone in my tribe, and therefore as my friend, I want you to experience the trust and intimacy you deserve.
Every time you see me, I hope you’ll remember, like so many phoenixes and Cinderellas, you too can rise from the ashes, your form forged by the fires.
xoAnnabeth
p.s. All I need is 300 resonate souls who give me $100 a year to really feel like I can be *sustainable* as an independent musician. I already have over 30 beautiful souls giving me the love and appreciation I crave over on my Patreon page. Let’s 10x that, yeah?
p.p.s. A big part of my healing journey was facilitated by To Be Magnetic. I have been a member of the Pathway for several years and am so passionate I became an affiliate. Here are the links to sign up and $upport me a little at the same time. :)
About TBM: https://tobemagnetic.com/the-pathway-membership
Podcast about TBM: https://tobemagnetic.com/expanded-podcast/2020/122
payment plan: https://login.tobemagnetic.com/a/2147524106/yZoQs3py
pay in full: https://login.tobemagnetic.com/a/2147524155/yZoQs3py
